This column typically covers low-stakes internet drama and self-described ~content creators~ acting like clowns, but this is … not that. So if you’re not caught up with the Armie Hammer drama, let me warn you that the following is not for the faint of heart. 

TRIGGER WARNING: Extremely graphic sexual content, violence, and rape.

It all started when screenshots began circulating on Twitter depicting some disturbing sexts that appeared to have come from Armie Hammer’s verified Instagram account. (You may have seen the word “cannibalism” trending with his name, and we’ll get to that.) 

And let me be clear here before anyone tries to play devil’s advocate: Yes, it is possible to doctor screenshots and photoshop DMs from celebrities. But while there was a fake DM circulated by Armie Hammer stans that was erroneously reported as real by E! News, none of the messages shared by the multiple women who have come forward have been exposed as such. Meanwhile, the actor has now “dropped out” of an upcoming Jennifer Lopez film called Shotgun Wedding, and a statement he released yesterday sounds—to me—like the closest we’re going to get to an admission of guilt.

Back to the screenshots: This week Instagram user @houseofeffie began posting evidence of what she says was a physically and emotionally abusive “master-slave” relationship with the actor while he was still married to his wife, Elizabeth Chambers. (Chambers and Hammer separated last July.) In the screenshots from what appear to be his account, you see Armie telling the woman (who originally DMed him as a fan) that he wants to “cut off her skin and make her cook it for him,” fornicate with pieces of her disemboweled organs, slit her wrists, break her ribs, use her blood as lubricant, and other sexually charged threats. In one of them, he admits to being “100% a cannibal,” and also says the series Don’t Fuck With Cats made him horny, which, if you’ve seen it—yikes. He admitted to cutting the heart out of a live deer and eating it while it was still warm. (Pack it up, Jeffrey Dahmer.)


If you think this sounds too wild to be true, let me stop you there. “Effie” has more up on her account—including photos of what she says are Armie’s house and tattoos, pictures of her bruises and injuries, screen recordings, and voice notes—that not even a wealthy white man could easily gaslight his way out of. (Effie had her account set to private, but I have a highlight on my Instagram as well.)

Of course, having a kink is one thing. This bland, stupid oil heir has been documented interacting with BDSM-related social media accounts for years. 

But the purported evidence here shows what would be a clear pattern of abuse, whether it’s coercing his “slaves” into participating in rape play without safe words or preemptively making sure they’ll never call the authorities on him. Allegedly he made them get tattoos, too, which would be pretty f*cking NXIVM-like. (Keith Raniere has been sentenced to 120 years in prison.)


More alleged victims have since bravely come forward, and no one should be surprised if the skeletons—no pun intended, at all—keep coming out. This is someone whose sexual fantasies seem to go beyond kink.


 For his part, Armie has been relatively quiet save for that disgustingly transparent and manipulative statement, released after news of his Shotgun Wedding recasting broke.

As someone obsessed with true crime, I hope Chambers, her children, and the family dog stay far, far away from him.

...I’m Talking to You, Bella Thorne

As if we needed another reason to loathe Bella Thorne after her recent OnlyFans scandal*: This washed-up goblin came to Armie Hammer’s defense on OnlyFans. There’s a special place in the hell I don’t (as a Jew) believe in for people like Bella. 

*The OnlyFans scandal:


Can Someone Tell Me What’s Happening With Kendall Jenner’s Face?

Why does it always look different? Is this FaceTune, filters, fillers, or what? Why do the Kar-Jenners have so many different faces? Do we even know, for certain, what they look like anymore? I have far too many questions that I don’t have answers to, so with that, I’ll go back to figuring out how to get Armie Hammer on the FBI’s watch list.