We need to talk about Hillary. 

I first stumbled upon the story that broke the internet, our brains, and Alec Baldwin’s soul exactly one hour after I turned in my previous column last Wednesday. 

At this point, I’m not sure what I can even say about this saga that hasn’t already been tweeted, Instagrammed, and meme’d from here to New Zealand. And you’re likely already familiar by now with the scandal surrounding Hilaria Baldwin—aka, Hillary Hayward-Thomas—if you’re reading this column, because you definitely already know this is my literal bread and butter. I love nothing more than a good grift. 

As the story goes, for nearly a decade, Hilaria was regarded as the spicy Spanish yoga instructor who swept Alec Baldwin off his feet. With five “Baldwinitos” (named Carmen, Rafael Thomas, Leonardo Angel Charles, Romeo Alejandro David, and Eduardo Pau Lucas), an impressive Instagram following, and an inexplicable ability to make national news for “shedding baby weight” faster than most, Hilaria enjoyed the kind of glowing write-ups in People Magazine that screamed “C-list celebrity PR pitch.”

But in what has now become canon: A Twitter thread written by user @LeniBriscoe quickly went viral. And not just Twitter viral—the kind of viral that transcends the boundaries of our beloved bird app. (We owe everything to LB, who is unfortunately now private, but you can revisit the thread in my Instagram highlights here.) 

The thread—which laid out Hilaria’s fluctuating Spanish accent throughout the years, a family tree that included exactly zero Spaniards, and Hilaria pretending not to know the English word for “cucumber” in a Today Show segment that is now etched in my brain forever—took the internet by storm.

Soon after things blew up, Hilaria posted two rambling videos on Instagram defending herself and claiming that she’d been very clear and open with her followers about her Bostonian roots. (Wrong.) 

Her husband has vehemently come to her defense as well—but, personally, I don’t believe Alec was involved in the ruse, purely based on the fact that it’s extremely embarrassing to have five blonde, blue-eyed children with names like Romeo Alejandro. Also, you could tell my father—a fellow straight 60-something man—that I was born in Mallorca and he would believe you. (Fun fact: Like Hilaria, I, too, feel embarrassed about being born in Boston.) Some online sleuths believe Hilaria pulled a fast uno on him after learning about his preference for Hispanic women.

Yet, both Baldwins continue to gaslight us with their meandering excuses, and nothing illustrates the extent of Hilaria’s delusions and manipulation more than her recent feature in The New York Times—which read mostly like a fluff piece that only a white woman who pretended to be an immigrant for a decade would be afforded. 

In any case, let’s break down the “best” parts of the article.

“She didn’t know that ¡Hola! Magazine, for which she has twice posed for the cover and which has written some 20 items about her on its English-language website so far this year, repeatedly reported inaccurately that she was a Spaniard because she said she didn’t read articles about herself.”

There is literally zero chance that Hilaria Baldwin doesn’t read articles about herself. I’m sorry, this one isn’t even remotely believable. Next.

“As for the CAA bio, she can only assume the agency used unverified information from the internet to write a sloppy bio.”

Unverified information from the internet? Like… Hilaria’s own interviews, press releases, and social media?

“One of the most important places to start is this idea of boundaries.”

What?

Boundaries. 

BOUNDARIES. 

B O U N D A R I E S. 

I have to laugh! 

“To shield her parents from press attention that would fall upon them simply because their daughter married someone really famous, she said she had purposefully avoided sharing details of her upbringing.”

Is that why she made up that her Bostonian parents didn’t know how to pronounce her new last name?

She complained, “Fake Twitter accounts are accusing me of a fake identity!”

I don’t use a fake identity on Twitter. In fact, I’m verified. My DMs are open, Hill.

“'The things I have shared about myself are very clear. I was born in Boston. I spent time in Boston and in Spain. My family now lives in Spain. I moved to New York when I was 19 years old and I have lived here ever since. For me, I feel like I have spent 10 years sharing that story over and over again. And now it seems like it’s not enough.'”

Oh, seriously? For real? Because why are there multiple podcasts where Hilaria claims to have arrived in the US at age 19 and tells them, “my parents live in Mallorca” (jazz hands!) when they inquire where she moved from. Other podcast hosts compliment her English, to which she responds, “I grew up speaking both languages!”

“Ms. Baldwin said she made her Boston heritage very clear to her husband when they met at a vegan restaurant in 2011.”

Her husband is literally on camera saying “my wife is from Spain” on multiple occasions throughout the years.

CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

“Ms. Baldwin first visited Spain with her parents when she was a baby, she said, and she went at least yearly thereafter. She declined to explain in detail how frequently they traveled there or how long they stayed.”

Her explanation: “I think it would be maddening to do such a tight timeline of everything. You know, sometimes there was school involved, Sometimes it was vacation. It was such a mix, mishmash, is that the right word? Like a mix of different things.”

How you say… mishmash?

“She said she didn’t think that her referring in online posts to her travel to Spain as ‘going home’ was misleading. ‘Home is where my parents are going to be. If my parents move to China, I am going to go to China and say, ‘I’m going home.’”

Oh, Jesus Christ. 

It’s evident that Hilaria chose her words exceptionally carefully over the years in order to imply she was a Spanish immigrant without outright saying it. Because, of course, moving to the US at age 19 and learning English as a second language will always be a more interesting tale than one about a privileged, white Anglo Saxon protestant from New England who went to a $60,000 a year private school.

And if you’re one of those people who keeps asking, “Who cares?”, I can assure you—I care. I care deeply. And I’m so, so thankful we got this end-of-2020 treat.